Love

In a certain sense, love is one of the thorniest problems we confront as humans. I can hear the cry now, “Love is not a problem at all!” Yet, despite the fact that love, boundless universal love, is arguably the most basic and essential human quality for our individual and collective flourishing, for many of us love is a problem because we have little to no idea what it is. Stop for a moment and consider if you have really ever thought about what love is. Have you ever felt real deep and penetrating love? What are loves’ qualities and characteristics? Can it be described? Love is a problem for us because many of us have been brought up in families, societies, cultures, and religions which have forgotten what love is. Love is ignored, usually unconsciously, while competition, greed, and self-interest rule the day. My goal here is to explore what love is and what it is not, in the process putting forth a few of my ideas concerning the qualities and characteristics which get to the heart of what love is or may be.

Let’s start with a bang! After considerable thinking and consideration of what love is, let me come right out with my working definition. Love is unconditional regard for all beings. This proposition has several parts which we must unpack in order to arrive at what I mean, thus far, by love. The first word-idea is unconditional which means without limits or conditions. This word-idea is commonly misunderstood. Some people hear the word unconditional and call to mind a person who sacrifices their own needs for the needs of others despite the cost to their personal emotional, psychological, and physical well-being. For highly realized beings and in moments of deep love such a sacrifice may be genuine. Although, my issue with this idea of what unconditional means is that it can be psychologically destructive, easily creating a martyr complex in an individual.

Sometimes a person simply does not have good boundaries, self-awareness, and self-care practices and hence they focus all their attention on others and neglect their own very real emotional and psychosocial needs. This person, for various reasons, conceives of their identity and worth only in terms of what they do for others. All the while missing the subtle cues issuing forth from their heart-minds concerning what is essential for their psychical well-being, including a basic sense of satisfaction in the realms of work/vocation and creativity. For example, if a child’s sense of self is not fostered and celebrated, and in turn they are told it is selfish to focus on them selves, they will often build an identity centered on pleasing others and accordingly have no idea of their own proclivities and callings. Note, when I speak of celebrating and encouraging the child I don’t mean encouraging some exaggerated individualism. Rather, I am referring to the importance of acknowledging and fostering the child’s basic goodness, uniqueness, with all the gifts, quirks, strengths, and peculiarities that come along with the particular individual. If a child (who is a future adult) is to ever consider a broadening of their self-identity to include a profoundly felt sense care and respect for others, then he or she must have a decent level of self-awareness (individuality) to expand, go beyond, perhaps even transcend, in the first place.

As concerns the unhealthy sense of self-giving I have been describing, there are often subtle, or not so subtle, egoistic undercurrents lurking just out of sight. Instead of self-transcendence, the person is actually creating an unconscious ego-identity wrapped up with neglect of self (as relative and illusory as the concept of self may ultimately be) and always doing for others. This kind of dong for others is actually a curse on both the doer and the one done for. Resentment easily builds in the doer if he does not receive the gratitude and recognition he thinks he deserves. In addition, he will likely be unable to admit to himself that he expects gratitude from others because he imagines himself to be selfless and doing his deeds for noble humanitarian or divine causes. This man may also be seeking a love he never received for being the uniquely beautiful and flawed being that he is from those he “helps.” He hopes others will love him, will see and recognize him, for what he has done and is doing. He yearns for this recognition. As far as he is concerned his very existence depends on it. Again, he may be resentful if he doesn’t receive the attention and adoration from other’s which the wounded child in him seeks. This man doesn’t realize that he is lovable for no other reason than that he is himself (whatever that self may or may not mean). He doesn’t realize that love is the primordial principal, the glue that holds all life together, and that he is love and hence can never be separated from love. If only he knew and felt these things with his innermost being his madness would end immediately.

Now, we come to positive definitions of the word unconditional. By positive, I simply mean what unconditional is and not what it is not. To embody the unconditional presupposes that a being’s self-awareness has brought him to the point where he begins to see beyond his own self-interest and experiences the conditioning which separates himself from others begin to dissolve. He is able to give of his skill, intelligence and heart energy in the ways best suited to him and the situation at any given moment. There is a deep understanding that he cannot control others, situations, or often himself. Likewise, he knows that sometimes he has to say no to others when he does not have time or energy to give. This “no” awareness also makes him truly able to say “yes” and give of himself with his whole heart when the timing is right.

One of the paradoxes of the word unconditional is that within it is contained the word conditional. Part of being unconditional means knowing the conditions and capacities one must abide by at any given moment and setting boundaries based on this information. These boundaries don’t have to be immovable, but rather fluid and changeable depending on ones ever fluctuating energy levels, desires, and circumstances. In other words, one cannot make the unconditional conditional with any particular notion of what unconditional means. Therefore, unconditional can encompass the conditional within itself, although, the unconditional is not limited or in any way defined by all of our illusory ideas of conditionality.

Finally, spiritually speaking, he understands that all complex creatures suffer and desire happiness and contentment, hence compassion begins to arise for all beings— including the thought-form he calls himself. The realization dawns on him, however slowly, that while he has the responsibility to follow his own bliss, his happiness in no more or less important than anyone else’s. As this state deepens, concerns for the other begin to be his concerns as well. Going still deeper, he sees that there is in fact only one desire for enlightenment, bliss, love, and the end of suffering. This desire is one, it is common to all and the property of none, it is a cosmic function that is filtered through multitudinous forms which seem to be separate and distinct but which are in fact so many comings and goings of the great cosmic life force seeking to know itself in diverse embodied form. Not one, not two. This is what I call the realization of the unconditional.

We have now explored in some depth the word-idea unconditional, both what it is not and what it is. Let us continue our exploration of Love with the next word in my proposed definition. Remember, my definition is, Love is unconditional regard for all beings. The next word is regard. By regard, I mean care, compassion, interest, and concern. Basically, the person with regard for others truly cares for others. He cares for their happiness and wellbeing. His hope is that they feel content and free from suffering. While he knows that on a certain level each being must realize freedom and happiness for themselves, he also understands that his actions, based on the quality of his consciousness, help to create an atmosphere in which peace, happiness, and ease prevail. Hence, the way a person of regard gives of herself is through her own peace of mind and heart. This giving in no way implies that she is simply inactive. Peace of mind and heart pervade all that she does whether it is talking to a friend, meditating, building a house, or walking in nature.

From her own experience, she knows enough about life to have empathy for all the troubles people experience in life. As previously mentioned, the underpinning of this empathic stance consists in a switch from seeing others as objects separate from herself to be used for her own personal gain, to subjects with many of the same basic needs (love, companionship, understanding, care, etc.) that she has herself. Due to her regard for others, her desire for fulfillment is no loner tainted by the sense that there is not enough love, time, and accomplishment to go around. In other words, she no longer thinks that if she does not get her desires met as quickly as possible someone will get what she wants. Rather, life is now experienced in terms of mutuality. She understands that when we care for one another’s happiness, contentment, and accomplishment we will work together so that each person’s needs are considered simultaneously. Furthermore, she has the sense that to be truly happy necessitates working for the happiness all of all beings. At this stage, she is still views the other in terms of herself, but her view and understanding of self has deepened to the point where she no longer sees self and other as two distinct categories.

Working for the happiness of all beings leads us into the last portion of my definition of love. Love is unconditional regard for all beings. By “all beings,” I mean humans and non-humans alike, and by non-humans I include animals, insects, rocks, trees, oceans, the air, etc. The idea that love is for all beings indicates that on one level love is unattached from any particular being. This does not mean that we won’t love particular manifestations of life but rather it means that love is beyond all forms. Love is a state that permeates our consciousness and flows forth to all beings precisely because of our sense of intimate interconnection and interdependency with them.

As I see it, when love is too attached to one particular form it is easy for mental and emotional states such a covetousness, jealousy, and paranoia to creep in. We may expect too much from the other, wanting them to live up to our very particular expectations of what love is and what they should do and be. This love is not really love at all because we are trying to force another to complete us. The attempt to fit others into our desired patterns and plans implies the belief that we are not whole and that only another being, doing what we tell them to do, will complete us. This desire is doomed to failure as it leads to frustration, disappointment, and dependency of at least one, if not all, of the people involved in the relationship.

Despite this, it is not uncommon to start cultivating deep love with one particular being. In the Buddhist tradition there is a visualization exercise in which one begins to cultivate love and compassion by sending the positive energies to one being who the practitioner already feels lovingly towards. Then, the adept extends the love and compassion towards someone he feels neutral towards. Next, he sends love and compassion to someone he doesn’t like very much, or maybe even hates. In the end, love and compassion are generated for all beings everywhere. In this example, love slowly and methodically extends to all beings. One must be realistic and take this exercise as slowly as needed. It does no good to try to be loving and compassionate towards someone who one is not ready to do so. Yet, as one’s unattached love and compassion (unconditional regard) for one person increases, that love naturally begins to overflow to others. It is like the stereotypical person newly in love who goes around singing and seeing everyone and everything as extremely beautiful. One sees all beings as needing, worthy, and deserving of love and one knows that at the deepest level all beings are the love that they seek even if they do not yet know it themselves. More profoundly, one simply loves all beings because one sees and knows that there is nothing else to do but love as love is the glue that binds all matter together. There is no effort in this sort of love, no calculation or trying. There is simple love, as LOVE IS and is all there is.

In conclusion, my definition of love is made up of three components: Love is (1) unconditional (2) regard (3) for all beings. The term unconditional basically means infinite flexibility to act, think, and feel in a given situation without being bound by any absolute or predetermined philosophy or code of conduct. In Buddhist terms, my term unconditional is similar to upaya (skillful means). The second term, regard, adds an ethical dimension to the first term (unconditional) by adding the qualities of care, compassion, empathy, and mutual concern into the equation.

The idea of regard implies the transformation of a sense of strict ego-boundaries which separate self and other into a more fluid and interconnected experience of the relationships of all beings. This transformation of strict subject/object dualism ranges widely. At the near end of the spectrum one has a basic recognition, extending to ever deeper levels as the ego lessens its grip on the individual that all people suffer and desire happiness as much as “I” do and hence deserve the same care, compassion, and consideration “I” hope for myself. At the further reaches of the spectrum, an extremely subtle realization unfolds in which the complex interconnected web of cosmic-earthly relations which knows no strict separation in its seamless unity in diversity is embodied in lived experience by the individual who no longer is an individual in ordinary egotistical terms. Remember, the weakening of the isolated ego presupposes a previously established “healthy” or “solid” (I use these terms loosely) ego which can be dismantled as one sees ever deeper into the conditioned and ultimately illusory thought/experience construct known the individual ego.

The third and final idea in my definition of love is that this unconditional regard applies to all beings. In other words, love pervades the entire cosmos and therefore equally flows forth from and into all beings. Hence, love is impersonal and unattached to any particular subject/object but at the same time love never leaves out the particular in its embrace because love consumes the whole, the All.

With this said, the real, or shall I say initial, challenge is learning to love one being. It is no accident that the Buddhist compassion exercise starts with one being and extends outwards. We can easily get caught up in abstractions and speculations about love, whereas for most of us love takes place with one or a few people in the here and now amidst our own issues and the stress of jobs, family, and numerous responsibilities. It is significantly more difficult to actually care for a person than it is to imagine some groundless universal love. In order to truly love someone we have to learn to care for them with all their faults and shortcomings, as well as for their admirable qualities. Often, others’ rough edges, or sometimes simply their ways of being that differ from our own, can cause friction in our relationships. We dislike something another does or says because the way we interpret the act seems hurtful or offensive. Whether or not the person’s intention was harmful, the act triggers something in us, some unresolved hurt from our past, which causes us to react, often with greater intensity than the offense, or perceived offense, warrants.

Being triggered indicates a certain amount of normal self-centeredness. People have a tendency to assume that many more things revolve around them than actually is the case. When we take something personally we forget that usually what others do, especially when an act is hurtful, has very little to with us. In reality, the person is defending themselves, in one way or another, due to their inability to integrate the pain of their own wounds. As we move away from an egocentric orientation towards life, we take so called offenses less personally. Detachment from egocentricity opens up the space and ability to love other beings as they are, warts and all, in each and every moment. If we can see others in a non-judgmental and unattached fashion then a great compassion awakens for all the person’s hopes, joys, frustrations, and hurts. We see a beautiful being striving for happiness, fulfillment and contentment in the best way they know how. By the time this level of detachment and love is awakened in a person, their love naturally overflows the bounds of just their partner or parents, whoever they were focusing on initially and slowly but surely grows and encompasses all of life.

The underlying characteristic that unites all three aspects of my definition of love is non-attachment. The hallmark of the unconditional approach is non-attachment to any condition, such as dogmatic rules or absolutist codes of conduct. Instead, as I have said, there is an open and flexible spontaneity which enables us to respond skillfully to each situation as it arises. Non-attachment also applies to our regard for others. One is unattached to the ego-identity which separates self from other.

To some, the word non-attachment sounds like cold indifference to the joys and concerns of others. When understood in the context of regard, non-attachment means that the love-realized being has a naturally spontaneous empathy for all beings. This natural empathy exists minus attachment to the drama which often accompanies relationships due to each person’s fragile ego seeking fulfillment through the recognition and approval of others. Again, that love includes all beings is explained by that fact that love is an energy that permeates the entire cosmos and is therefore not attached or possessive of any particular form.

The being who has truly realized love is permeated by this cosmic force (love) and acts as a conduit, or embodied locus, through which loves flows forth unto all beings with no effort or willfulness on the part of the form channeling love. There is nothing for the love-realized being to be proud of or egotistical about. When love is perfected the ego is transcended and there is no “I” to take pride in the great achievements of love. It is better not even to speak of such a person as to do so draws undue attention to him or her. This person, who is no person at all in the regular sense of the word, has simply become that love which has always been and always will be.